As I write, Father’s Day is scarcely halfway and already I’ve been humbled three or four times by children (and their spouses), which is only fitting, since true fatherhood is and should be an exercise in humility from start to finish. Their public and private tributes may be riddled with hagiography but, on this day, it is good that we dads should overlook lapses in truthsomeness.
(Yes, I know it isn’t a real word but this is how new words get created!)
One of my sons penned an essay on fatherhood today (well done, Jason) and in it posed these questions: “What makes a father who he is?” and “Is there a specific time, event or person who bestows the wisdom required to be successful as a dad?” He goes on to make some great conclusions of his own, but it provides me with a springboard with which to provide answers of my own.
Biology makes any male a father. That part is easy. Too easy.
Turning young males into men who can be effective and successful fathers requires wisdom and example. This is where timing, events and role models come into play.
Truth is, there were times when I was far from a perfect father. There are no classes you can take to learn father skills or certifications and, if there were, today’s Social Justice Warriors would just screw them up like they do everything else. Fatherhood is mostly on-the-job training, and the key is “on-the-job.” If you, like me when I was a very new father, spend too much time away from home and family in pursuit of life’s ambitions, your training suffers. I was self-absorbed, intellectually arrogant and prideful. I did not know what I did not know. In short, I was representative of a growing number of young men of my generation who now have been joined by even more clueless legions of fathers who either lacked good role models or rejected their efforts.
Such is life.
I do not blame my own father. He was a good role model. I was an independent, ungrateful little dumb-ass who couldn’t wait to leave home and make my mark on the world. If Dad had been a healthy man, he might’ve changed my life trajectory. He died at age 45 of congestive heart disease, likely fearing that he had failed to bring me up properly.
It was not pride of my own family that led me to become a better father, but the humility of a massive fall from grace that brought me to my knees – and to my senses. I spent the last half of my life as a father with children in the home trying to atone for the first half. That I more or less succeeded is a tribute to the depth of a desperate spirit of repentance and the wisdom I absorbed from the Eternal Father, who placed great examples in my path in the form of Church and Word. A wife who instinctively realized her need for an improved husband and father helped, too. Good fathers require support systems. It is difficult to go it alone.
Age and mellowing also helped. In the early days, I usually reacted too quickly as a parent. The old “shoot first, ask questions later” style of parenting. I was no Ward Cleaver, sad to say. The Eternal Father is patient with His children, infinite Justice tempered by equally infinite mercy. Getting the balance right, for a human father, is an ongoing struggle, even when the children become adults.
There is no getting around this next truth: True fathers are called to be good role models. Whether you like it or not, your children will model your behavior. If you are rash, they will be rash. If you are impatient, they will display impatience. If you are greedy and self-absorbed, they will figure that’s what life requires. If you are absent, they will at first accept it as reality, and later condemn you for your absenteeism. Worse, they may discover that life is better without your negative qualities, and they will condemn you (at least internally) for your negative influence upon them.
Conversely, if you are loving, patient, kind, giving and attentive, they will model your behavior. Oh, they will fail sometimes and disappoint you, but they eventually will master the learning curve of life. Don’t give up on them. Ever.
Here, for my sons and all who might be interested, are suggestions for good fatherhood:
1. Attend church with your children. A Swiss study in the 1990s found that a father’s role was the critical factor in whether his children would keep their faith intact as adults. A mother’s role was important. Two parents sharing their faith meant that nearly 75 of their children would continue to worship, a third all the time. But if only one parent could attend, there was a marked difference as to the result. If the father brought their children to church, the percentage who would stay faithful actually increased, as if in response to a mother’s “laxity.” But if a mother alone brought her children to church without a father, only 2 percent would remain steadfast and 60 percent would abandon the faith.
I cannot explain this finding, only that in my observations, it is borne out repeatedly. Fathers are important.
2. Be humble. Lord knows there is enough pride stalking this world. There is a reason pride is one of the seven deadly sins. It gets out of control too quickly and too often. I don’t care what causes you believe in but hear me out: We do not need Pride Parades. We need Humility Parades. Especially in an age in which we have tremendous powers to wield over the world, economies, cultures and lifestyles.
Humility is the antidote to pride. It puts the evil one and his minions to flight. It pleases the Eternal Father when we embrace it.
3. Be a good listener. Let your children know they can come to you and discuss anything, and that you will hear them out fully, before rendering your thoughts.
4. Be a good story-teller. Children of all ages want to know their family history, your history, and the anecdotes of your life. Learn to tell them well – don’t be a bore. And only tell them upon request. A little mystery is compelling. It is okay to embellish for story-telling purposes, but only to a point, and that point is when truth is rendered false.
5. Be a good husband. Treat your wife with respect in all the ways that count. Do not denigrate her before your children, or in public. Defend her at all costs.
6. Be self-giving or, in another term, be sacrificial. Do things that are inconvenient out of love for your wife and children. Be quick to volunteer to do a hard thing for someone else as long as it will not take away a life lesson that needs to be faced. Sacrifice is part of the Law of Love that is inescapable for a Child of God. We die to ourselves in order to live for others and, in return, find that we lose nothing of value. We gain love by giving love.
7. Be joyful. Have a sense of humor. It is a spiritual thing. It will help you through many a personal or family crisis and will set an example of grace under pressure that your children will follow. Eventually. No one wants to be around a sour-puss, cynic or hate-monger. Smile. I love the Spanish term for smile: “Sonrisa.” Like a sun rise! God causes the sun to rise on the just and the unjust every day. Likewise, we need to smile on our children, when they are good and when they are lacking in goodness, every day.
8. Be the priest in your domestic church. You are the pater filliis, the father of children. You set the tone and you start in the home. Then you take it into the world.
9. Seek God’s help in prayer and in Word, when the answers to “father questions” elude you. Seek out human guidance carefully, using only those with a proven track record of success.
10. Give thanks for all your successes and failures. Remember that you will learn more from a failure than a success, though it may not seem so at the time. Divine Providence includes challenges, obstacles and hardships to train us for the journey and our ultimate destiny. Embrace your little cross.
Thank you to all my children and to all who helped me on this journey to becoming a better father.
Happy Father’s Day.
After the Gold Rush 